v e n u e c r a s h

I like falling asleep wrapped around each other.

i like guards down for at least a night.

i like feeling his heartbeat through my cock, still in him.

i like the rhythm of breathing. i like it's rise and fall. i like his exhale on my arm.

i like looking at him while he's asleep, or his eyes are just closed. he does the same.

i don't want to leave. i don't want him to leave.

i want to be in my own bed, alone, by sunrise. his scent will overwhelm and startle me when i shower later. It's a mix of sweat, piss, cum, cigarette smoke, the leftover chemical odor of poppers, lubricant from Trojans....beer...sweat...

Why does everything feel so wrong?

I really, really wanted to escape by myself to p-town, or rehobeth, or even new orleans this summer. but for some reason my virals have started to be tectable and wacky and now i'm on new meds that are making me dizzy; making me stay in a knot in bed all day and night. i know it's feeling sorry for myself, but i have to allow a good sob once in awhile. this was one of those times. i believe vacation must come second to staying close to my docs. anyone out there who is poz may know these feelings. they do pass....

ok, enough of that.

Deep Sunday, cont from below.

After chopping wood i took a looong nap and dreamt I found a director's cut of Brokeback Mountain.  This was much more violent but much more explicit sexually. Infact, for every violent scene there had to be a fuck scene; it was a new Hollywood code.

Then Heath Ledger's hair started growing and he became Heath Ledger playing Val Kilmer playing Jim Morrison, and everyone was talking about a new kind of reportage and new marketing links.

I woke up at 2PM. I ate half a jar of Smucker's Natural oil on the top Peanut Butter, and a Coke Classic. I hate every iteration of the Classic, if only from a graphic perspective. They just keep missing the mark.

I watched Running with Scissors for the third time. I think everyone should watch movies three times. First to see it as the director wanted you to see it; second to watch all the background action, and the eyes of the major actors when the focus isn't on them; and third to put the first two back together. Then you've really seen it, front to back.

The third time I decided the best performances came from Jill Clayburgh, Alec Baldwin and Joseph Fienes. And the group screem scene is gear.

How can one family produce the prissy, simpering khaki-clad Ralph and his furry, intense, take-me-please blackirish brother Joseph???

Deep Sunday.

Sunday morning I woke up far earlier than I usually do. Probably because when husband is out of town I tend to get my already whack sleep/wake cycle fucked even more than usual. i woke up at 6AM. With wood. So I padded to the 'puter, brought up some reliable porn and masturbated, half asleep. I did not achieve Solo Male Ecstasy, as the book at left promises. I achieved enough to climb back into bed, going down slowly.

Who would want/need a book on how to JO?

S. was at a Ten-Year Reunion of his class at the Kennedy School of Public Policy, or something like that, @ harvard.He brought me back a where are we now book.....and apparently alot of 'em are presently running, as quickly as their J.Press bluchers and chanel pumps will allow them, away from their jobs in this administration. Amazing where they landed: Rummy's speech writer (he actually followed a script?); a guy who went in iraq with the first shock and awe wave as the lead translator/negotiator; a woman who was the WH liaison to some goofy institute for promotion of democracy around the world...the latter got in the shit so bad she was mentioned on page 1 above the fold in the NYT as a suspect for doing something, i forget....anyway, she showed up introducing herself as "The Hon. --- ----", which perplexed folks since she was not a judge, ambassador, elected to anything or royalty. Except maybe to Daddy, who gave 10 trillion to Bush's campaigns.

But the Ann Coulter/Lindsay Lohan of the class just couldn't make it. Yes......it was, is and always will be, Estee Lauder human test-bunny and spackle-queen Kathryn Harris, who, like The Hon. Mr. Crapper, changed the course of the world with one, not dissimilar, act.

Being user friendly can be a great turn-on; Part 2.

hi visiting from california, satying in arlington, clean safe oral bottom clean bottom (what's the protest too much thing?)

hope you are doing well-are you?

nope, we're home. Just watching pan's labyrinth... :) what about you? (pan's labyrinth???)

hello there, looking good man

going to a fuck party (fuck. me.)

ive landed.

wanna come fuck my face hard nut n go?

god how big is that i want it in me plse (pics magnify things...)

cmon i still have beard burn on my ass hehe (that WAS soo much fun, r. and too long ago..Christmas!)

i get off shift in 15 mins thers an office we can lock (next to nurses' station???)

not tryed it but would like to try it thats what ws means right?

oh i thoughy you ment somethig else.

i'm not but boyfriend is

i have a pig side

last time i talk to you jeff (sadly, my fault)

An American High School Classic.

Why was there always a full length mirror above it? Oh yeah. I forgot.

SCREEM.   

In group yesterday we were asked who had any friends? Everyone looked at the floor silently. One person gestured, palm up, in a circle around the room. " I have all of you, but after we leave, that's it." "I never saw myself this alone at my age."

Why i still go to this bell jar group? Well, there was that one lady that slid out of her chair onto the floor and, incoherant, blamed her Bic lighter for her hateful mother, then threw Mom at the wall. That was interesting.

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

When I first read about it in the Times, I called the BF at work and we quickly rejoiced about that motherfucker finally leaving the earth and going wherever. BF was in Seattle and was heading into meeting so had to end call.

BF and I have recently started tentatively talking about our beliefs. He was raised Southern Baptist in Mississippi. I was raised middle Episcopalian in Mississippi. We both are now nearing agnosticism.

Neither of us really ever believed in anything despite all the initiation rites; nothing ever took. Sunday meant, for both of us, blazers and ties, lunch buffet at the town's only country club, then fathers either napping or heading to the golf course. SUM TOTAL.

So i would not expect anything approaching charity emanating from me for this man who has damaged all of us for so many years in so many ways. Yet. As I waited to go to sleep, with my cat snuggled up, I suddenly felt an enormous sadness for this man who surely had goodness somewhere in him but lost it, had grieving family and somehow still needed our thoughts? prayers?

Love that sinner?